I recently attended a workshop with Dirk Appel from Essence in Process that explored different “orientations of attention” in relationships: Work, Parent/Child, Partner/Love, and Friendship. Each one carries its own focus: goal, care, growth, or support.

What struck me most was how often these relational modes can quietly get muddied, especially in the workplace.

I found myself reflecting on past work dynamics where I felt frustrated, misunderstood, or overly invested. Looking back, I realised I wasn’t just showing up as a colleague. I was unconsciously seeking something else. Maybe connection that resembled friendship. Maybe approval that echoed a parent/child dynamic. Maybe a need to feel ‘special’, more like a partner than a peer.

When those deeper needs weren’t met, I felt agitated. Annoyed. Quietly tantrum-y. I’d either try harder, befriend, charm, over-deliver…or pull away, withholding connection. Underneath it all was a belief: you’re not seeing me the way I want to be seen.

And here’s the thing. That’s human. We’re relational creatures. Of course we bring our patterns with us.

But when those patterns go unexamined, they start to distort what the relationship is actually for.

In a workplace, that distortion can be costly. Energy gets diverted away from the task or project and into emotional loops; the search for approval, the dance of performance, the subtle withholding. What should be a space for clarity and contribution becomes quietly entangled.

And it’s not just about individual discomfort. It affects team dynamics too. When someone brings a childlike posture into a team, others may feel pressure to ‘parent’ or manage. If a leader unconsciously plays the rescuer or ‘benevolent parent’, they might undermine autonomy without realising it.

Even friendship, which can be a wonderful by-product of working together, can become confusing if it starts to override honest feedback, accountability, or clarity of role.

So what do we do?

We start by noticing the signs.

Often, it’s not an obvious drama. Just a low-level sense that something feels unfinished or off. A simmering frustration. A twinge of disappointment. A subtle edge of grasping or withdrawal.

When that shows up, try asking:

What am I wanting or expecting from this relationship that I’m not getting?

And then:

Is this the right place to be getting it?

This isn’t about shutting down our relational selves at work. It’s about bringing awareness to the roles we’re playing and gently asking whether they fit the context.

Because when we get clear about what kind of relationship we’re actually in, we free up energy. We return to the purpose of the work. And we make space for relationships that are clean, mutual, and grounded, whatever shape they take.

Who is Melis Senova?

I am a coach and advisor to design leaders, C-level executives and leaders in government. My work in This Human is dedicated to the next generation of designers and leaders.

When you’re ready, here’s how I can help you:

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